Marital Infidelity

He’s cheating on me.

He has a new girlfriend and she communicates to him via a little box plugged into the cigarette lighter. My services such as they were are no longer required.

I sit with the road atlas on my lap, ready to catch her out and just as I’m nodding off her strident voice alerting himself to an autoroute exit brings me round with a start.

After some initial teething problems in the relationship – a 20 mile detour on a ten mile journey close to home, probably operator error – I have been forsaken. I can’t argue with her, touch her or question her judgment. Her clipped British accent and penchant for being right is getting on my nerves. She is even correcting my pronunciation of French villages and towns.

I hate her.

Now and again, clearly enunciating her t’s she says, “Lost satellite reception.” Not so clever then is she? I know exactly where we are and where we’re going but if he wants to dally with her he can suffer the consequences.

The fact that he is carrying on with her right under my nose and in my car is just too much.

He thinks it’s funny.

If we weren’t in France and in my car I’d get out and leave them to it.

However . . . .

She didn’t cover herself in glory in Italy. As we approached the French/Italian border I made a show of closing the French road atlas and slipping it beside my seat.

Mt. Blanc? Really?
Mt. Blanc? Really?

“You’re on your own now, matey, you and your new girlfriend.” Himself looked alarmed. Though he’d been taking directions from her exclusively she obviously didn’t inspire him with confidence.

A spectacular journey through the Alps and under Mt. Blanc – a 7 mile tunnel in a series of 17 tunnels – came as a major surprise as no route planning had taken place.

Mt. Blanc! Good heavens! Who put that there?
Mt. Blanc! Good heavens! Who put that there?

Then she really messed with him.

She insisted he come off the autostrade, go in circles, make several u-turns, attempt some mountain climbing, pass under the same cable car three times and pay two unnecessary eight euro tolls, robbing us of all our coins.

Just as we were both feeling quite frantic – we’d many more miles to go but which way now? – I pulled out my secret weapon, a map of Italy, and resumed my relationship with my husband. I’d had my doubts all along about the two of them and had highlighted our route on the map before leaving home.

We zig-zagged back down the mountain, where we’d had a nice view of the autostade below, and headed east once more.

I turned the stupid woman off and stuffed her in the glove box.

I didn’t gloat. That’s unlike me but himself was looking strained and it seemed only fair to keep my mouth shut.

At our final destination, the seaside resort of Porto Sant’Elpidio, I was forced to make up with her in an effort to find our hotel. She invited us to complete our journey at a derelict building and was banished once more to the glove box.

On the return journey she “lost satellite reception” in Bologna, a city of 400,000, all seemingly on our stretch of road and fighting for space in our lane. Several major roads intersect in Bologna and they are designated by international, national and local numbers which quickly become meaningless when panicked. The only way to find our way through was to look for major cities on our route, all of which were on the other side of the fold on the map.

Have you ever opened a full-size country map in the passenger seat of a compact car? It blocked out the sun and the road ahead and terminated the peaceful spell in the car.

GPS – Gloriously Pointless System

EuroTunnel, France

We made it back to the EuroTunnel but I lost my dog.

64 thoughts on “Marital Infidelity

  1. Now how did I manage to miss this one… Linda loves my girlfriend… the girl friend keeps saying “recalculate”… and as I said at my age why am I going to listen to some British bird I don’t even know what she looks like…. and looks are important when it comes to who is telling me where to go….

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  2. The GPS is the bane of my existence on road trips with Mr. Craves and we did not even leave the U.S. – ha! We were on a 4-lane freeway and “she GPS” stated to proceed immediately in doing a U-turn – WTH?!?

    Loving your captures – BEAUTIFUL Mountains and who does not love a road tunnel or two or three 🙂

    Happy Week!

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  3. I’m a hopeless map reader, even when i manage to get it the right way up. I loved reading about your hubby’s dalliance going on right under your nose. I bet women who have errant husbands would love to be able to turn the other woman off and stuff her in the glove box. Perfect solution. 😀 Love the photo of you and your Corgi.

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  4. Carol, I love your tale of the “other woman.” She really does become a member of the family. We tried all the “guy voices” but it just wasn’t right. So we’ve named our GPS “Gypsy” and she’s like my 4th sister – sassy but often right! I can’t tell you how many times she’s saved our bacon when a detour is required. 🙂 ~Terri

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  5. Fun story. The GPS or “Sally” has she is known in our vehicle has caused a few issues. There is always that awkward moment when Sally says to turn left and your wife says to turn right. I never leave home without Sally.

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  6. Oh my gosh I’d thought you’d forgotten all about your US friends cause I hadn’t received notification of your posts in a quite a while…hmmm user error, somehow I deleted your updates!!! Anyway, enjoying your continued escapades across Europe. See that you’ve taken up where you left off 🙂 So glad you are having fun…and please tell Him that maps and wives are so much more reliable then technology!!!! P.S. 34 more months!! 🙂

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  7. We used our GPS yesterday. She is called Florence. Florence is usually quite helpful, but she does like going down narrow country lanes which Elsie (my car) gets upset with as she has to reverse to let big white vans pass and gets scratched by the brambles in the hedgerow! I don’t use Florence very often, as her maps are well out of date, and new roads confuse her horribly, but sometimes (like getting my granddaughter to her swimming lesson last Friday in an unknown part of south-west London) she is a godsend (and there are NO country lanes in that part of the country). Maps are good, if you have a navigator. Sadly mine isn’t very good at map-reading and then gets all het up and grumpy when I shout for directions and he hasn’t a clue where we are!

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    1. Ah yes. That’s always been a bone of contention, when himself suddenly makes an unscheduled turn, gets us lost, then expects me to magically know where we are! Can’t give directions when I don’t know where we are on the map!

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  8. We’ve not had a favorable relationship with any GPS, so we still rely on maps. Which provides for plenty of opportunity for good old-fashioned disagreements between the driver and co-pilot. At least with the GPS we had a third-party to blame!

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  9. Ha ha always a humorous tale. Love it. We have Randy and he does mispronounced words as well and took us to some streets we don’t want to go. So now I also used an iPad with Ippy and guess what I let them fight among themselves which route to take 🙂

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    1. In the early days of their relationship when himself was besotted with the stupid woman I didn’t tell him that my phone was showing a much more direct route to take than she was banging on about. Now we just use her to tell us where the speed cameras are. Even that gets irritating as there are so many of them in this country!

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  10. I love my GPS. Her name is Kelly and I take her everywhere. I have to admit she has made a few spectacular errors … like insisting my destination was the flag she planted in the middle of a lake … and now I always have a backup map in the car 🙂

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  11. Clever, enjoyable and understood. 🙂 Sorry you weren’t able to wave while seated in your throne. 😦

    Given my experiences with GPS and other flawed technology, I have relegated GPS to the same bin as a TV.

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    1. I fear my arguments with the the stupid woman will be an ongoing saga. I’m pretty good with a road atlas but we’ve gotten lost in every European City we’ve tried to negotiate. Anyway it’s better for marital harmony to yell at her than each other!

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  12. I think ‘himself’ would’ve looked good as a corgi LOL. Ah, the joys of those lovely GPS’. We can count on our Hildi’s pronunciation of certain street names to always provide a good chuckle 🙂

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  13. Our old GPS with the strident bossy voice is now doing battle with my iphone GPS voice who seems more upbeat and less bitchy. I think I want to download either the Homer Simpson voice or the Oscar the Grouch voice for some variety (those are both real GPS voice options by the way). Beautiful pictures – what a trip!

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    1. As we’re homeless at the moment we tend to venture out together. I must take MY car out on my own and play with the voice options on the GPS so I can stage a surprise. . Oscar the Grouch might be appropriate!

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  14. Ahh! The GPS, the marriage buster. I have complete control of that little contraption. When we travel I have the atlas, map of the state we’re in, the Next Exit book (an invaluable tool when traveling in the US) and the GPS on my lap, and I’m checking them all the time. And still we get lost and harsh words are spoken. Yes “that woman” has taken us out of our way many times, we don’t always listen to her and she loses satellite reception at the most critical moments. If all else fails those green highway signs will get you there.
    Ruth from At Home on the Road

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    1. The advice we were given was to use the GPS or the map but not both. Where did that little bit of propaganda come from? We found our way all over the U.S. and Europe without GPS. I didn’t know whether to be miffed or relieved when he bought the GPS. It’s a good thing I didn’t trust it/her.

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      1. hahahaha ohh no!!! With my experience with GPS, Ive learned that are different types of them, and maybe you just need to find the right one for you… I use the same one for 3 years, its called Navigon… I love it, cant travel without it, sometimes I even use it to find a new place Im going here in the city. I guess I just learned how to deal with it… but I had bad experiences before with other GPS.

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  15. “I turned the stupid woman off and stuffed her in the glove box.” This made me laugh out loud. You are so fun. Love you pic….sorry about your dog…perhaps you could send HER out looking for it?

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  16. Hmm, I rely on my GPS since there is no one in the other seat. ‘Most’ of the time, we do fine, but there are times I’m talking back to her quite angrily (I don’t have a ‘him’ option). 7 mile tunnel in a series of 13-wow that’s a lot of mountain overhead! And Mt Blanc, so beautiful

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  17. Loved this 🙂 If you want to make her voice less sexy, wait until Himself goes to the loo, then find the voice menu and change it. My sister had Darth Vador on hers, and he makes the journey miles (arhum) more interesting.
    My GPS had a sad run-in with my phone in the murky depths of my handbag, and her face was shattered into gadzillion pieces. Such is life. I’m happy to roll down my window and ask a real human being. Much nicer.

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  18. Never used a GPS, never will. Too distracting. Gimme a map any day. Mind you, the problem with that is that my husband never trusts my map reading. So I say to him: “Turn right at the next traffic light”. He sails through and I yell: “Why did you do that?” “What?”. “Go through the traffic lights when I told you to turn right.” “But I though you meant those traffic lights.” “What traffic lights”. Wait for it……….the ones right down the end of the road you could hardly see!!!! And when my husband works out a route, it is the most arcane one you can ever imagine. I work out a direct route, he looks and suggest something that takes us out past woop-woop and on to Ayers Rock!

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